Talking to dad – feel bad… Maddy, lonely, not sure what to do

Then it makes me not want to go out, I just want to sit at home and be comfy/lazy.

You are the love of my life

Be here now, no other place to be
All the doubts that linger, just set them free
And let good things happen
And let the future come into each moment
Like a rising sun

You are the love of my life
Yeah, you know you are

Sun comes up and we start again

It’s all new today
All we have to say
Is be here now

Be here now, no other place to be
This whole world keeps changing, come change with me
Everything that’s happened
All that’s yet to come
Is here inside this moment
It’s the only one

You are the love of my life
Yeah, you know you are

Sun comes up and we start again

It’s all new today
All we have to say
Is be here now

I took the train up from Illinois
I was following through on a letter you sent
I always feared that you’d be true
True to yourself to the bitter end
It just kinda happened, or so she says
She was drinking and lonely, you know the rest
And he meant nothing, he was happenstance
She says she loves me still and wants a second chance

But I don’t wanna be together
I don’t wanna be apart
I don’t want none of this love for you honey
Deep, deep down in my heart

Where is my golden crown
That you took and passed around
There’s no telling what a man might do
With a life like this when it all falls through

I don’t wanna be together
I don’t wanna be apart
I don’t want none of this love for you honey
Deep, deep down in my heart

You were my dream come true
Can’t you see what you’ve put me through
The love that tears me apart
Still beats deep, deep down in my heart
Deep, deep, down in my heart

 Chorus:

Am                         F
It’s the light that’s changing

G                            C
It’s the light that’s changing

Am                          F
It’s the light that’s changing

G                     C
It’s only the light

C*
Across the gardens, across the schoolyards
Across the chapels where lovers have leapt
Across the table in our old kitchen
Across the cities where our future slept
Chorus

                          Am
What can I do to defy you

F                         C
What can I do to deny you

                                            Am
’cause I want no part of this breaking

               F                                 G
This is a hurtful mistake you are making

     C                                           Am
And to me this love was true and shining

F                                         C
These years were real and defining

                                                  Am
Please don’t forget how much I meant to you

F                                       G
When you are redefined by someone new

C*
Across what’s left of these old places
Across the playgrounds where old friends play
Across the lines on familiar faces
Across the nothing that we say

Am                         F
It’s the light that’s breaking

G                            C
It’s the light that’s breaking

Am                          F
It’s the light that’s breaking

G                   
It’s only the light

C x4

Don’t let your soul get lonely child
It’s only time, it will go by
Don’t look for love in faces, places
It’s in you, that’s where you’ll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don’t lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don’t put your trust in walls
‘Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

So glad I found you
God is around you
And all that’s about you
Shines with the light
Love won’t deny you
Love won’t confine you
Free what’s inside you
Shine with the light

http://www.masonjennings.com/music

Alongside my innocence I laid in bed awake
conflicted and in chains with the impetus of age
but like a phantom she crept across the floor and out the window
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

From its place on the mantel my heart was taken down
scattered in a thousand little pieces on the ground
and I below the streetlamp like an orphan with a halo
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

cuz it won’t last
worries’ll pass
all your troubles they don’t stand a chance
and sometimes it takes more than a lifetime to know
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

Your confidences fall as your faith etched in stone
neither could comfort you from the wild unknown
so bury your burning hatred like a hatchet in the snow
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

If you have a broken heart or a battered soul
find something to hold onto until they go
to help you through the hard nights
like a flask filled with hope
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

cuz it won’t last
your worries’ll pass
all your troubles they don’t stand a chance
and it always hurts the worst when it’s the ones we love the most
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

sometimes your path is marked in the sky
sometimes it falls too thin in between the lines
sometimes all you can do is say no
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

I said when I arrived in my old set of clothes
I was half a world away from my home
and I was hunted by the wolves
and I was heckled by the crows
Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know
I said Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know

We said Darlin’ do not fear…

- asked about Nikki, Paul

- didn’t know Max died

Dad this weekend – Saturday morning

I dreamt you, dad and I were in a car and we got back somewhere and you called school.  you were speaking with someone so dad and I started walking to where we were going and I asked Dad if you were talking with him (I still hate saying his name – that makes it real). He said no he didn’t think so because things were ending there.   I asked why and he said because you realized what it did – ending marriages. 

We went inside and I was crying.  You were in there.  We were at a Woelfel party.  I couldn’t tell people why I was crying because they didn’t know about the situation.  That was hard and is a real feeling I have.  As of right now, I don’t think I can go to any Woelfel gatherings f they don’t know because I can’t pretend thing are okay and normal when they’re not.  I don’t know what I expect it to be like when they know though.  Because you’ll be there and they’ll sympathize with you and that’s fine because you’re their family but I want sympathy too.  I’m hurt too.

Do you know that I cry every day because of this?  I’ll be in the car, or the bus, or the shower, and think about something and start crying, sometimes uncontrollably.  I didn’t want to tell you any of this though because I didn’t want to hurt you and make you feel bad.  For so long you’ve made us feel good and take care of us so just because of this I didn’t want to turn against you and make you feel bad because you’re just doing what makes you happy.  But I can’t pretend any more that things are normal and fine. 

On the phone we talk as though things are normal just catching up because I can’t stand to talk about it either and don’t want to talk about it with you or hear anything about it.  But it’s hard to talk like things are fine and normal when they’re not and I’m hurting so much.  That struggle leads me to inner turmoil.  So much that sometimes I don’t want to talk to you because I can’t reconcile my feelings.  But then I feel bad about not wanting to talk to you which makes me struggle even more.

When I think of you reading this, I wonder if you’ll turn to him for comfort, to tell you it’s okay.  And that’s fine.  But selfishly I think that’s ironic because you used to always be the one we turn to for comfort, and now you and he are the ones causing all the pain.  I also think you’d say that we can still turn to you for comfort, but really I can’t. 

I don’t call you in the evenings because I don’t want to talk to you if you’re there, which I’m sure you are.

And again I struggle, because I know you’d say that you’re happy now so I don’t want to make you feel bad because you are just looking out for yourself finally as we all should do.  But it’s how it all happened that I struggle with.  I’m having a really hard time dealing with my feelings so I got a couple books on when your parents divorce when you are an adult.  They’ve been helpful.  One book says to analyze how you tell the “leaving story.”  Well for me the leaving story would involve lies, deception, drinking, Maddy waiting in the front for you, you going to be with him on your 30th anniversary, and that’s what I can’t stand. 

You’ve changed, and again maybe you’re happier, but it’s hard for me when the mom I’ve known for 25 years isn’t the same.  And now instead of being a mom and a wife, I guess you just need to be you.  And that’s what you need to do so that’s fine.  I just thought you should know.

Another dream night of 10/21 – 10/22:  I was somewhere with mom and then she went to him and I yelled “Fine, turn to him for comfort!” and ran away and she ran after me and I kept yelling “I don’t want to talk about it! I don’t want to talk about it!” 

Because I don’t really, I know I should but I don’t even know what I would say, I’m so used to just thinking about it and trying to get through everything.